Hi, my name is "Recurrent Pregnancy Loss."

It's so dull isn't it? So clinical and lifeless, no pun intended. "Recurrent Pregnancy Loss" or "Recurrent Miscarriage", phrases that would quickly become me. 

Two weeks ago, my third miscarriage was confirmed via ultrasound. I listened to the instructions of my doctor and the "plan of action moving forward." My fiancé and I got into the car and drove home in complete silence. This wasn't supposed to happen, because just two months before, we took the same silent drive home, and according to our doctor, "just 1% of women have three consecutive losses in a row and most women who have experienced one or two miscarriages go on to have perfectly normal and healthy subsequent pregnancies..." yadah yadah yadah, meaningless to me now, because I became that 1%. 

Miscarriage #1

My first pregnancy was discovered after I had miscarried, very early on (4-5 weeks). At the time, it was hard for me to mourn what I didn't even know I had, but soon.

Miscarriage #2

Two years later, on our anniversary, we got a big fat positive and were ringing in the New Year completely over the moon excited for all of the wonderful things to come. We were 20 minutes early to our pregnancy confirmation appointment, we were practically skipping through the hallways. I peed in the cup and waited for my doctor to come in and give me all of the juicy details. Instead, the RN comes in and asks me why I'm there. I was so taken aback I had to cough the words out of my mouth, "Well ma'am I took four hpts and all came back positive, so I'm pregnant." She went on to tell me that their test was negative... my heart sank, I could barely breath and I knew at that very moment nothing good was going to come of it. We bustled down to the lab for my first HCG test, as I tried to calmly explain to my fiance what was happening. I cried myself to sleep that night, the first of many nights to come. The next day, my doctor calls to confirm that my HCG levels looked great and scheduled me for the ultrasound. That night, I started the onset of my second miscarriage. Day after day of my "week of rest" the blood became darker and heavier and the cramps and the clots would arrive soon after. On January 7, 2018, I filled up my bathtub with warm water, put music on and sobbed. I knew what was happening and I wanted to feel the pain. The next day, the emergency room physician confirmed that I had miscarried at 6 weeks and 2 days. This time I was numb, I received my Rhogam shot (Lucky me RH-) and went home.

Miscarriage #3

Valentine's Day. We had agreed we weren't doing presents this year, as we were just coming off of our recent engagement high (my ring should be my present for the next 5 years lol). However, while at work, I just couldn't stop thinking about buying a hpt. Something just didn't feel right. I hadn't yet received my period, but since we had JUST went through our miscarriage, I wasn't very concerned at all. Another BIG FAT POSITIVE! I was in an instant whirlwind of emotions, I was happy, scared, anxious, excited and grateful. At first, everything seemed great, my breasts were so sore and swollen I thought they'd burst, I was a little fatigued and was actually "feeling" pregnant. I loved it! This time things just felt different, as if the third time was going to be our charm. I was scheduled for a dating ultrasound, as I hadn't had a period in between but also because I had started spotting again. This spot started after intercourse with my Fiance, so because I knew it was normal, I really tried not to worry. There it was, my perfect little sac measuring at 5 weeks and 3 days, though too early for a heartbeat, the tech did notice a small Subchorionic Hematoma (Blood Clot). I bled consistently for the next three weeks leading up to the inevitable. The bleeding included the whole spectrum; lite pink, brown, bright red, thin, thick, dark red, small clots, etc. I was on the rollercoaster ride from hell, and a was frequent visitor of the blood lab. HCGs were rising slowly, but my ultrasounds were progressing, so I clung on to the hope that maybe the blood clot was the culprit and I just had to wait for it to drain. I was CONSTANTLY on the internet, searching for similar situations and stories with positive outcomes. Those women gave me hope. On March 10th, we boarded a plane to Orlando for a big family vacation. I was still bleeding, but our most recent ultrasound showed progression. Upon our arrival we'd be far enough along to hear a heartbeat, so we decided to try and enjoy our vacation the best we could, as we desperately awaited the day! Disney World should have been called Baby World because that's all we could focus on, all of the babies and children frolicking with joy. Long periods of stand would cause me some discomfort and even some cramping, but as soon as I'd rest for a while, I'd go right back to normal. On March 15th, hundreds of miles away from home, on our long awaited family vacation, in my parents timeshare bathroom, I passed my entire, perfectly intact 7 week and 4 day gestational sac.

These are the situations in which my miscarriages happened, but the reoccurring images of blood and  tissue, the tears and screams, the fights with God, the fights with the devil, the loneliness, the hatred for the universe, the constant research, the anger for my partner, the cringing at the site of anything pregnancy or baby related, the search for my rainbow is still happening. If its still happening for me, then I know its still happening for some of you. Though this time is ugly, I have found some beauty, some hope and some comfort in my struggle. Though this time feels lonely, I have found community in the women who have met and know miscarriage, one time or more. I have felt their electronically sent hugs and well wishes of sticky baby dust... I'm so grateful that they shared their journeys and today, I choose to embark on mine.